One might think, from the infrequency of this blog’s posts, that I am no longer suffering from sinking spells, hence the silence. Alas, sinking spells are still in order, but I have not felt compelled to write into the lengthening silence.

You see, in the midst of all the excitement, the planning, the blogging, we hit a snag.  A small, positive change in our life circumstances, no matter how exciting and longed-for, has caused a delay in our adoption.  We must wait for the completion of a three hour move to a neighboring town, and then update our home study before we can finalize our paperwork.

This delay has been a terrible shock, and brought pain comparable to that of our secondary infertility, with all its attendant heartache, longing, confusion, and hopelessness.  To be honest, as with the infertility, there’s some misdirected anger thrown in for good measure.

I cannot speak for domestic adoption, because I have not experienced it, but I can say unequivocally that international adoption is hard.  The process is long, it is expensive, it is invasive.  For us, it became a call on our lives that we were powerless to refuse.  In this ridiculous “paper pregnancy” that has lasted years (we began this China adoption in 2006), we find ways to simultaneously compartmentalize, compensate, pray and hope.

Although it doesn’t trump prayer, compensation is key.  We are staying busy, we are finding ways to laugh at ourselves through this latest delay.  We are drawing on the comfort of family and friends, and the understanding of some who have walked this road before us, and some who walk it now.  Most days we get by without dissolving into frustrated tears.  Most days. 

So how is Jackson?  We are not sure.  We have not heard if he received his care packages. We are not certain that he has been told that there is an impatient, feisty family ready to welcome him home.  We do know that he celebrated a birthday last month, a birthday we had unrealistically hoped to have him home for.  And we know that we miss him more than we thought possible.  We hope that we are using these extra weeks profitably, preparing our hearts and home for him so that his arrival here will be as good as we were able to make it.  It’s not like we haven’t had time to plan.

Life, as they say, is not for the faint-hearted.  Adoption… ditto.  

Hang in there, Jackson.  We’ll be there as fast as we can!